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Posted by on Dec 26, 2010 in The problem, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

I recently was out to dinner and close enough to the table next to me to hear their conversation. I was a little shocked to hear one of the sons say in front of his sister and mother (referring to his sister’s friend) “I would like to bend her over and…” after he said this his father and brother begin to laugh while the mother and sister looked disturbed and disgusted.

I found the content and reactions interesting in this conversation. Is this what most men think about? SEX? Do they just go around looking at everything as something to possibly probe? And how did that comment make the women at the table feel? They for sure didn’t appreciate it based off their facial expressions. As a woman I often feel annoyed, grossed out, and offended as I see men look at me a certain way or make verbal comments. WE ARE NOT JUST SOMETHING FOR YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH!

Now you may think that last sentence is an obvious one, but there is a market out there that screams otherwise… pornography.

Some of you may think there is nothing wrong with pornography. To you I say be open minded for a moment and let me educate you on what I have come to learn. I have been doing research with Rory C. Reid, Ph.D, LCSW, Research Psychologist at UCLA. He mostly works with clients dealing with gambling and pornography addiction. He is leading a national study over 400 other therapist to get the APA to approve hyper sexual disorder in the mental health field.

THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION IS FROM NOTES I TOOK WHILE LISTENING TO DR. REID SPEAK, THIS IS NOT QUOTED or CITED, JUST MY BEST ATTEMPT TO PARAPHRASE HIS WORDS……THUS I CANNOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THE FOLLOWING  AS MY IDEAS, ONLY MY BEST INTERPRETATION OF WHAT HE SPOKE ABOUT

First and foremost pornography completely degrades women. Most pornography depicts violence or aggression towards women such as slapping, choking, pinching, gagging, and hair pulling. This is not how most woman want to be treated while being intimate.  As men watch this over time they become desensitized. Overall it objectifies women as something to be used and overpowered. Not only does it change the way you look at women but you cannot ever get these images out of your head. There is no way to detox this out of your system.

Dr. Reid says one of the top reasons for divorce in our country is due to pornography. It ruins all chances of intimacy. If someone is hiding a part of what they do or who they are  (most men don’t admit they watch it because their lover doesn’t approve) there is a secret, and you cannot have intimacy when you have secrets. Intimacy requires transparency.

Pornography CAN lead to an addiction and an addiction is something you can’t get over by sheer will power alone. One’s agency is gone and progression stops.

To those who are addicted you CANNOT have a healthy romantic relationship. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE while watching porn because this man is in a relationship with porn. He must first divorce pornography and go a period of time without it ( a year or two, to know for sure he is over it) before engaging in a relationship. If you are with a man that is addicted to porn you are not in a monogamous relationship. When he is intimate with you he has other women in his head…you could consider this a polygamous relationship!

What leads someone to use porn and what leads them to persist to use it are two different motives. I will touch mostly on what leads to addiction.

There are several types of individuals likely to get addicted to porn. A large percentage is those dealing with depression, anxiety and adult ADHD.  Some are just impulsive sensations seekers… those looking for excitement. And then there is the individual who totally normal psychologically, just behavior conditioning of doing something over and over again creates the habit.

Porn is not about sex, anymore than an eating disorder is about food. What am I saying here? It isn’t about the thing itself per say, it is about how it makes you feel. It is dealing with insecurities and emotions.  When one engages in pornography and self stimulation it creates a chemical cocktail of endorphins- oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin that creates a mood altering experience. It acts like a drug allowing one to escape from their lives for a moment as they imagine they are the ones engaging in these activities. It’s called emotional dysregulation, or escapism, it is used to escape the reality of one’s life.

Pointing out the problem is not just what I aim to do here, let’s talk about how to help those dealing with an addiction.

How to get over pornogrophy:

There is not a homogenous one size fits all cure. But here are a few things that have been known to help.

Meet with a therapist or psychologist. 12 step programs is a good support but is not a substitute for treatment, for many this alone is insufficient.

Thought suppression not only fails but it can create exactly what is it you are trying to avoid. Rather than trying to suppress your thoughts just don’t give it energy.  Don’t give into a tug-of-war with it. Let go of the need to control it. Thoughts happen, don’t judge them, just let them come and go. When you judge a thought as bad or a threat you hyper focus on it to defend yourself from it.  A thought is just a thought, it’s not a fact.

Notice when the craving arises and simply observe that it is there.  It comes and goes, ebs and flows, just accept it- notice how you feel physically, it will hit its peak then it will go. Be present with the present in a non-judgmental way. Pay attention to other things. Listen to what you can hear, what else is in the room you can see. Give attention to something else. Don’t give special status to the craving or urge, as you do this the energy diffuses. Be present and be mindful!

To help you understand what it is that causes you to want to watch porn reflect on how you felt right before you got the urge to do so. What triggered this response? Notice your thoughts, is there something causing you stress, anxiety, sadness, boredom? If you can began to track it you can begin to deal with the emotions and irrational thoughts that cause you to want to avoid feeling these emotions. This is where the issue really is and where you must learn to work through your process.

I hope you learned something new from reading all of this. I know its heavy stuff but I chose to write on this topic because as a single young woman I want to believe there are still enough worthy young men out there for me and my awesome female friends!

6 Comments

  1. omar
    December 27, 2010

    I agree with you…but my question to you…whats your opinion on the thousands of woman who particpate willing in these videos?

  2. admin
    December 27, 2010

    Good question. I would feel safe to say that it is going to be different for each and every one of these women who participate in these videos. I have gone to listen to an ex porn star speak at Pepperdine University. Shelley Lubben is her name and she has started a non profit to help girls get out of the industry here is her website… http://www.thepinkcross.org/ but there were several things she shared that I can tell you about her experience. She was desperate, she felt stuck once she was in. She lost her identity and said she felt like she was “possessed” and didn’t know who she was anymore or how to get herself help or freedom. She was on drugs the entire time to numb herself from the pain of it all and she said EVERYONE (actors and actresses) on set were high on drugs to get through it. She described it as a living Hell, totally not glamorized like it is portrayed and felt she was rapped for hours on end. Now Im sure her reflection on her experience is her own, and I cannot say that is how it is for every other girl, but I feel you can relate it to the young women who are involved with human trafficking and prostitution here in the US. Most of these girls do not want to do it when they start, but are pressured into it out of one reason or another and then don’t know how to get out of it. MOST OF THESE WOMEN INVOLVED IN THIS ARE DOING IT BECAUSE THEY ARE IN LOVE WITH THEIR PIMP. He either acts as a sort of father figure or lover to them. This is the only sort of love they have experienced and he manipulates them to do what he wants. He plays on their vulnerabilities and insecurities. It is all very sad. I hope this gives you some sort of an idea. but check out that website you can get a better idea from there.

  3. Ashley Mathis (Your RB)
    December 27, 2010

    Thanks for writing this blog. You always inspire me to write about deeper topics in my blog and I love how you shed light on potentially very uncomfortable topics. I know many people that are struggling with this and I now have some tools that can help them. Love you D and keep writing. :)

  4. admin
    December 27, 2010

    Thank you Ashley for leaving a comment and the love… I would like to check out your blog. Let me know what the link is.

  5. Tejah
    December 28, 2010

    you are great

  6. admin
    December 29, 2010

    thank you good sister as are you.

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