Exactly three weeks ago today my sweet Grandma LouDean passed away. I have wanted to write about this sooner but haven’t been able to get myself to do it. How do you capture all that you feel when you lose someone you love? So much emotion runs through me, and hits me like waves. Big pounding waves of grief, and you wonder just like real waves, maybe they will never stop, there will always be one more.
I have yet to experience someone close to me dying. I didn’t think it would feel quite like this…but how do you expect such emotions until you actually go through it? I have three other living grandparents…all of whom are in their nineties, which makes me dread this is just the first of many. There are many deaths to come. This may be the truest sentence I have ever written. Soon my other grandparents will make their passing…and I see my parents are not far behind with all their gray hairs and wrinkles. I do not want to sound depressed or morbid, I am being very honest. The part I still am learning to accept is that yes, I too will die. Everyone I know and everyone you know will die. If you think about it life really is all about death. It is the most natural and common occurrence of life and ONLY guarantee. Yet we all dread and fear it like it is the worst thing ever! Why?
Partly because it is unknown and we fear what we do not know and also because it hurts so bad, I miss my grandma, and I get sad thinking about how I will have to go through that experience over and over and over again with each person I love and then those that love me will have to feel the pain of my death.
There is only one choice and the sooner we make it the sooner we really began to live and make the most of every breath we still have. By choosing death, choosing to accept that I will die and accepting that everyone I know will die, and no longer living in denial of it opens up a whole new way of living. A way that accepts everyone as they are, appreciating every little facet of who they are, of enjoying every moment we actually share, of being present with every hug given and received, of making the most of every opportunity because this is it! THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND EACH DAY COULD BE YOUR LAST DO NOT LET IT GO BY! Have the intention to clear up your lose ends, to make complete your incompletions, to ask forgivness to those whom you have hurt and to forgive those whom have hurt you. Most importantly to love as deep as you ever have, knowing nothing is guaranteed except an unknown expiration date to your life. No more living with regrets, no more living for tomorrow… there simply is no time for that. Today is all we have. Today we live.