Recently I heard a story in the news (which is why I don’t watch the news) about two young men who shot and killed some random man. When asked why they did it, they simply said they were bored. Makes perfects sense right? This story blew my mind. How sad it can be that because we get bored this is what boredom can lead to…death.
Now many of you are thinking but obviously these kids had issues to actually kill because of boredom. While that may be true, I do think that boredom , if not treated does lead to death. Your own!
Everybody is slowly dying, this is a fact. We all know death awaits us. So how are you spending your time while still alive?
Are you bored? Are you excited? Are you living a life that thrills you and inspires others around you? If not then you are well…just slowly dying!
So here is how to snap out of it…
GO DO SOMETHING NOVEL!!! Go try something you have never done before, and for the sake of the rest of the world, don’t try murder! Try out some random hobby you have always wanted to learn. Go take a class, go create something, write a poem and share it, make a painting, make a youtube video, go talk to a stranger, learn a language, make a new friend, cook something you have never cooked before. Do something that challenges you or makes you stretch.
Here is the interesting part…or a big clue. Think of something that makes you feel nervous or scared and do that! Every time we feel nervous about trying something new that is usually a good indicator it is in fact something we should do! Sounds scary right? Well if you want to feel alive, I suggest you try it. If you accept my challenge, please let me know what you did and what you got out of it…I double dog dare ya!
We have all seen some spoiled kid throwing a tantrum. No one likes having to deal with these kids with their disgusting sense of entitlement. That’s exactly why they act like they do…in their mind they believe they need to have, or deserve to have whatever they are wigging out about. They are entitled to it. It is their right; it is theirs so give it to them!
How many of you act this way towards God?
How many of you are spoiled children demanding something you believe should be yours?
How many of you are being destroyed by your belief of entitlement? Letting it spoil you, rot you from the inside.
God owes you nothing. The gift has already been given…it’s called life. Each of us has already received our present when we came here, received our bodies and the experience to live on Earth. Now it is up to you to make the most of your gift. So take a deep breath, realize the gift is yours and begin to use it. Be grateful and live your life.
I bet most of you were taught by your parents the golden rule…to treat others how you want to be treated, or otherwise known as the basic commandment to honor one another. Could you imagine how different our world would be if we actually treated each other this way? How much more love, joy and peace we could experience. I wonder why it is so difficult for us to honor one another?
I believe a huge part of this struggle is due to power, and the attempt to gain it over one another. This drive for power is a motive from fear, the opposite of love and faith. When we operate out of fear we negotiate our spirit and the life force of our spirit. We negotiate away our own power in this tug of war!
We can’t negotiate our spirit regardless of our fear or loneliness. For when we do we begin to lose our vitality, our happiness and motive to live. Eventually we resign and give up. Look around the world and see the herd of walking zombies living a shallow (and unhappy) life in some vain attempt to get money, sex, or power, thinking this is the road to happiness!
In this pursuit of happiness (when motiviated out of our fear) we give our power away. So what do you do when you find yourself in a dead end job for the money? A loveless relationship for the sex or fear of being alone? Or perhaps someone took your power from you and you find yourself the victim of betrayal, abuse, lies, manipulation, or abandonment? You have two choices, you can continue to give up your power or you can “call your power back”. One you are dying and the other you are living.
CALL YOUR POWER BACK!
Now you are probably wondering how does one go about calling their power back? It starts by honoring one another, and even more specific HONORING YOURSELF. We are never truly victims unless we continue to chose to give our power away. By calling your power back and beginning to honor yourself, the outer world will respond to your inner choice.
We call our power back by letting go of resentments, letting go of judgments, letting go of our need to control, and forgiving those that have harmed us. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU ALLOW THEM TO CONTINUE TO MISTREAT YOU. You may need to cut some people out of your life and let them go if they don’t have enough self honor to honor you in return. If it is a relationship with someone you cannot let go of, such as a parent or sibling you need to learn how to set up healthy boundaries so you are no longer negotiating away your power.
Our relationships are the best opportunities to learn from, they are mirrors for us to see how we ourselves are and how we can improve. If you see you are not being honored or respected, take the first step and honor yourself, then call your power back! You are worth it, and deserve to experience more out of this life!
There is no great secret to success. I will tell you how to be successful right here and now. It’s about your word, integrity.
This isn’t necessarily about being honest, or doing what is morally right (although both of these qualities will add to your character). I am talking about following through with what you say you will do, keeping your commitments to yourself, and being responsible.
It starts with the smallest actions. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass!
Once we can learn to be a master at small things we can then take on larger projects that require greater responsibilities. Being a steward over one’s own life and mastering one little thing at a time gives us the confidence we can succeed.
It is not rocket science. It is about proving to yourself you know you can do what you say…following through with your word. Do you think you have the confidence to manage a company of you can’t manage keeping your room clean? Do you believe you can actually show up for work every day at your dream job if you don’t wake up when your alarm goes off? Can you ever lose those 30 pounds if you don’t say no to the cookies? Can you really have a happy marriage (“one day” when you meet that special woman) if you have yet to stay faithful to any of the previous girls you have dated? If doing your laundry is your week’s greatest challenge you need to take a look at yourself and your integrity!
Will you actually accept that next promising opportunity that plops into your lap when you have failed to fulfill on just the simple things in your life? This is why we so often stay hidden in the dark corners of life, afraid we will fail because we don’t do the little things and that destroys our self worth. WE LOSE FAITH IN OUR SELF AND OUR CAPABILITIES because how we show up in one area of our life is how we show up in almost every area of our life! It is called the microcosm of the macrocosm and consciously or unconsciously we are aware of this and act accordingly, scared to really shine.
When you fulfill with the simple things you build up your self-trust and self confidence that you know you can do what you say you will do! This in turn builds up your self worth which gives you the courage to take big action.
Having integrity is simple. Just do what you say. If you can’t do it don’t commit to it to begin with. A life of excellence doesn’t just happen overnight, it is years of accumulated commitments met, time after time on your word, starting with the most simple actions.
The steps to living with integrity are:
1.) Pay attention to the words you speak.
2.) Say only things you actually intend to do.
3.) Keep your word and watch your excellent life begin.
There it is: the secret to success, and although it sounds simple it brings about great results, remember by small and simple things are great things brought to pass!
I have been on this kick lately of the power of the present moment. Everyone in life is searching for peace. Peace is found in one place, the present. Let’s do a little example…I want you to think about something that causes you stress, anxiety, nervousness, anger, pain (any negative emotion). Do you have it? Okay great, now look at when this thing occurred in your life. Did it happen in the past? An example could be when you got teased, rejected by a girl, or yelled at by your boss. Maybe you are afraid of what is going to happen tomorrow, a big text, having to speak at a conference, working a double shift ect. Or is it about something that has never happened to you, or is in the works to happen to you, but you are just in fear that it might one day occur? Such as the possibility of getting cancer, getting fired, or having your plane crash.
What time frame are you living in? If it is not in the present moment you are living without power! Do you realize we do not let the past stay in the past? We carry our past with us as if it is still occurring! By continuing to hold on to the story of what happened “last year when my heart got broken”, “when I was in Jr. High and had no friends”, or “when I was five years old and peed my pants” we continue to live as if it is still going on! We are carrying it around like luggage we don’t dare let out of sight! Not only do we refuse to let it go but when we carry it with us we anticipate that it will occur again into our future. We take our past and make it mean this is who I am and how I have to be. This way of living holds us back from really living a life we love!
Every single one of these so called negative experiences is not happening right now, and they either are over and done with or may or may not ever occur in the future, so why do we let them trouble us if it is not actually happening right now? Can you see the insanity in this?
There is only one way to live life with peace and happiness and that is focusing on the now…The present moment. In reality it is the only moment we really have any effect on anyway. So if you want to use your power live in the now! Each present moment we capitalize on we are creating the possibility of a future we may actually want to be a part of! I invite you to let your past stay in the past, where it is meant to be. Let the unknowns of the future remain open for what you want to experience and focus on what is going on right now in front of your face and make the most of it! Peace in the present… that is what you will find!
So my retail experience was short lived…about a month long. Before I quit however Tejah and I made a video at work the other day. The best part is we shot this while I was actually working! Which only shows you how true it is! Enjoy this fun little piece inspired by my real (awesome) life! Starring Tejah Signori, Davia King, photographed by Davia King, edited by Tejah Signori. Music by Sister Rogers.
If that doesn’t work you can watch it here Somebody Please .
I am about to get up in front of two thousand people and speak. My heart is beating, I start to sweat and my leg won’t stop shaking. I take a deep breath and say to myself, “Davia, you can do this, you have done it before, you can do it again!”
As I begin to talk and hear my voice throughout the auditorium I forget all that fear and am just present in that moment, simply speaking. After I sit down it is a whole other experience. I feel so exhilarated and alive! I feel full of gratitude and I am proud of myself for doing something that was so scary.
I have spoken many times now in front of small and large groups of people and each time, I feel that same feeling. Those of you who know me may be surprised to know, I feel so scared. Haha well here is a little confession for you… when I left on my mission and had to speak at church, I was so nervous that I wrote my talk two months before and read it every day until it was memorized!! That is how scared I was! Fear is an interesting little element to life but holds a sweet secret to success.
For the most part I notice people shying away from experiences that elicit fear. And I am going to offer an interesting invitation, to do just the opposite!
Fear on a physical level is there to protect us and keep us healthy and safe (ie don’t jump off the roof bc I could get hurt). I am not talking about that fear. I am talking about the fear you feel, when you think about quitting your job, asking a girl out on a date, before an interview, an audition, starting a new career, travelling, falling in love, or anything else you want in your heart that you are afraid to actually go after! I want to talk about that fear!
Ask yourself what you really want? Think about it for a second…really contemplate what that is. Then ask yourself why you haven’t got it yet, why you are not doing that yet. You will begin to see little fears come forward. These fears will either be associated with the fear of failure, or the fear of success (and the responsibility that would come with that success).
What do you do in your life, when you feel fear? Do you quickly make up an excuse and sit back down into your seat of comfort? Or do you step out into the adventure of what you truly want? What is harder for you to give up, comfort or your dream? We cannot have comfort and follow our dreams at the same time. In order for us to follow our dreams, we have to take courage. Courage can only occur when fear is present, and we take a step forward regardless of how scared we feel!
Embrace fear! When you notice you feel fear in your life, let that be a signal to you, that you are about to do something you need to fulfill your dream! There is something at stake there, otherwise you wouldn’t feel scared! Let the fear show you that you are on the right path! And when you step into the darkness rather than freeze, run! RUN into the unknown with the faith you are doing exactly what you need to do, to get closer to fulfilling your dream!
It is not easy, but it is worth it. I know it is scary, and the fear will always be there, once you pass through one threshold a new one will soon arrive, letting you know the next step that must be taken. So get ready my friends, for the time of your lives! When all is said and done and you look back, what will you say you did? Played it safe or lived a life you loved?
Last night I am at the gym and notice an attractive young man walk past me. We make eye contact but that is the end of it. I was on my way out after grabbing my jacket and think, “I hope I walk past that cutie again.” We cross paths one more time right as I am nearing the doors, once again I notice he looks at me, and I wanted to smile or something to show him I was attracted to him but instead all I did was turn and walk out.
While walking to my car I wondered why I didn’t even have the nerve to smile at him. I mean I know it is the gym and for some reason there is this unwritten rule to keep to yourself so no one really seems to smile or talk to each other unless you are asking to use the machine they are currently occupying ( or you already know each other). But why is that? Why I wondered, was I too scared to even smile at him? A smile is harmless right?
As I pondered my behavior I realized I didn’t want to put myself out there. As little of a risk as it was if I smiled I was extending myself more than he was and depending on how he responded I could feel rejected. DON DON DON… REJECTION!!! How crazy silly is this!?!?! I am being so open as to highlight a simple pattern of human behavior. We go to great (and small lengths) to avoid negative emotions, even if it means we miss out on life because of the fear to take risks.
Most of us are afraid of our negative emotions. We never want to experience pain, heartache, depression, sadness, fear, anger or confusion. We give our best attempts to avoid, repress, ignore or somehow stuff them away. Anti-depressants, drugs, alcohol, food, sugar, television, sleep anything to keep our minds busy on something else. Our whole culture is addicted to all sorts of distractions and quick fixes to help us escape our unpleasant or difficult feelings and few of us have any sense of mastery over simply being with our own emotions.
Why are we so afraid to feel? What is so bad about feeling? In fact our emotions serve a purpose. They act as a window for us to see how we are interpreting the world, to help us recognize irrational beliefs. They teach us boundaries, they protect us. They help us recognize all that’s good as well. How could we ever understand happy without sad, peace without stress, or love without anger? We need the whole spectrum to appreciate the good, without it we would simply take it for granted. Our ability to recognize what we are feeling when we are feeling it is crucial to live healthy lives.
I invite you to take time to just be with the feelings you notice are present within you. Welcome them, even the unpleasant ones. Simply pay attention to the feelings you feel without trying to resist or judge them in any way. See what these feelings are here to tell you. See what you can learn from them. As you do it may be scary and it may be intense but the only way to really find peace is to go there and let yourself feel fully. This is where all the magic can begin to happen…the magic of life!
I can’t tell you how excited I am for 2011. I don’t think I have ever felt this much animation for a new year before. I will say I am grateful for the 2010. I learned so much in this last year, more than I have learned in one year that I can remember. I feel like I accomplished a lot too. I had a lot of “first time” experiences, some of them very difficult and emotional and some of them so amazing and awesome. I am pretty sure I felt the whole spectrum of emotions in 2010! The amount of learning was deep and because of all of this I am grateful to see what 2011 has in store.
I am feeling really good about what I am going to create in this next year. More than ever in my life I feel like I have control about what the future holds. You always hear of people setting new years resolutions and goals. I think this is great and I am not only going to do this goal setting right now but I am going to continue every week to revamp and evaluate where I am at.
I had a little epiphany the other night while at a new year’s party. Someone asked me some question about my life and I said “I don’t know” in response. Then this kid said, “Well if you don’t know how will you ever make anything happen?”
I turned to him and said a bit sarcastically “You are a genius!” The truth is I had been meddling over this idea for the last couple weeks. I constantly beat myself up over not “having it all figured out” in terms of a career in my life. This is fine, I don’t need to have all the answers…yet. But the part that gets to me is if I have no vision how will I ever make anything happen? Ambiguity creates lack of action. However, on the flip side it is also true and this is what I want to emphasize.
CLEAR VISION CREATES ACTION! When we have a clear vision or goal we know what it is we are working towards. When we are honest with ourselves about what is in our hearts and allow ourselves to actually dream we begin to see what it is we really want. When we know what we want we can begin to make it a reality!
My problem is twofold. I haven’t known what I wanted because I haven’t allowed myself to dream big! My rational mind comes in at the onset of something glorious and says something like, “you are too old for that now”…. “you are not qualified to do that”… “the chances are slim”… “you are not smart enough” yada yada yada bull crap! I am so over that way of thinking!
So here is my new year’s resolution. I Davia King am going to allow myself to dream and envision all that my mind can conjure up, I will win in my fantasies and build on what my mind can create. I will focus on what I want rather than reason of why I can’t have it. I will let these dreams build and build until I hone in on what I truly want to manifest. I intend to then make these dreams into reality because what we focus on in our lives becomes reality. I will do this by letting go and forgiving myself of all my irrational beliefs and replace them with a positive self supporting belief. I will create a vision board to help me remember what it is I have in my heart. I will take daily actions to lead me closer to making these dreams true and I will evaluate my progress weekly. I will create exactly what I want out of this year, as will you. So what is in your heart? What are you doing to make it a reality? 2011 is going to be a great year come fly with me!
I recently was out to dinner and close enough to the table next to me to hear their conversation. I was a little shocked to hear one of the sons say in front of his sister and mother (referring to his sister’s friend) “I would like to bend her over and…” after he said this his father and brother begin to laugh while the mother and sister looked disturbed and disgusted.
I found the content and reactions interesting in this conversation. Is this what most men think about? SEX? Do they just go around looking at everything as something to possibly probe? And how did that comment make the women at the table feel? They for sure didn’t appreciate it based off their facial expressions. As a woman I often feel annoyed, grossed out, and offended as I see men look at me a certain way or make verbal comments. WE ARE NOT JUST SOMETHING FOR YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH!
Now you may think that last sentence is an obvious one, but there is a market out there that screams otherwise… pornography.
Some of you may think there is nothing wrong with pornography. To you I say be open minded for a moment and let me educate you on what I have come to learn. I have been doing research with Rory C. Reid, Ph.D, LCSW, Research Psychologist at UCLA. He mostly works with clients dealing with gambling and pornography addiction. He is leading a national study over 400 other therapist to get the APA to approve hyper sexual disorder in the mental health field.
THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION IS FROM NOTES I TOOK WHILE LISTENING TO DR. REID SPEAK, THIS IS NOT QUOTED or CITED, JUST MY BEST ATTEMPT TO PARAPHRASE HIS WORDS……THUS I CANNOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THE FOLLOWING AS MY IDEAS, ONLY MY BEST INTERPRETATION OF WHAT HE SPOKE ABOUT
First and foremost pornography completely degrades women. Most pornography depicts violence or aggression towards women such as slapping, choking, pinching, gagging, and hair pulling. This is not how most woman want to be treated while being intimate. As men watch this over time they become desensitized. Overall it objectifies women as something to be used and overpowered. Not only does it change the way you look at women but you cannot ever get these images out of your head. There is no way to detox this out of your system.
Dr. Reid says one of the top reasons for divorce in our country is due to pornography. It ruins all chances of intimacy. If someone is hiding a part of what they do or who they are (most men don’t admit they watch it because their lover doesn’t approve) there is a secret, and you cannot have intimacy when you have secrets. Intimacy requires transparency.
Pornography CAN lead to an addiction and an addiction is something you can’t get over by sheer will power alone. One’s agency is gone and progression stops.
To those who are addicted you CANNOT have a healthy romantic relationship. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE while watching porn because this man is in a relationship with porn. He must first divorce pornography and go a period of time without it ( a year or two, to know for sure he is over it) before engaging in a relationship. If you are with a man that is addicted to porn you are not in a monogamous relationship. When he is intimate with you he has other women in his head…you could consider this a polygamous relationship!
What leads someone to use porn and what leads them to persist to use it are two different motives. I will touch mostly on what leads to addiction.
There are several types of individuals likely to get addicted to porn. A large percentage is those dealing with depression, anxiety and adult ADHD. Some are just impulsive sensations seekers… those looking for excitement. And then there is the individual who totally normal psychologically, just behavior conditioning of doing something over and over again creates the habit.
Porn is not about sex, anymore than an eating disorder is about food. What am I saying here? It isn’t about the thing itself per say, it is about how it makes you feel. It is dealing with insecurities and emotions. When one engages in pornography and self stimulation it creates a chemical cocktail of endorphins- oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin that creates a mood altering experience. It acts like a drug allowing one to escape from their lives for a moment as they imagine they are the ones engaging in these activities. It’s called emotional dysregulation, or escapism, it is used to escape the reality of one’s life.
Pointing out the problem is not just what I aim to do here, let’s talk about how to help those dealing with an addiction.
How to get over pornogrophy:
There is not a homogenous one size fits all cure. But here are a few things that have been known to help.
Meet with a therapist or psychologist. 12 step programs is a good support but is not a substitute for treatment, for many this alone is insufficient.
Thought suppression not only fails but it can create exactly what is it you are trying to avoid. Rather than trying to suppress your thoughts just don’t give it energy. Don’t give into a tug-of-war with it. Let go of the need to control it. Thoughts happen, don’t judge them, just let them come and go. When you judge a thought as bad or a threat you hyper focus on it to defend yourself from it. A thought is just a thought, it’s not a fact.
Notice when the craving arises and simply observe that it is there. It comes and goes, ebs and flows, just accept it- notice how you feel physically, it will hit its peak then it will go. Be present with the present in a non-judgmental way. Pay attention to other things. Listen to what you can hear, what else is in the room you can see. Give attention to something else. Don’t give special status to the craving or urge, as you do this the energy diffuses. Be present and be mindful!
To help you understand what it is that causes you to want to watch porn reflect on how you felt right before you got the urge to do so. What triggered this response? Notice your thoughts, is there something causing you stress, anxiety, sadness, boredom? If you can began to track it you can begin to deal with the emotions and irrational thoughts that cause you to want to avoid feeling these emotions. This is where the issue really is and where you must learn to work through your process.
I hope you learned something new from reading all of this. I know its heavy stuff but I chose to write on this topic because as a single young woman I want to believe there are still enough worthy young men out there for me and my awesome female friends!