Love
How many of us have wondered what this thing called love is? What is this feeling of romance that makes all things seem bright and full of life? Yet can suddenly depart, turning our lives upside down leaving us raw and abandoned. For most of my life love has remained a mystery.
For the last ten months I have been wrapped up in trying to understand what love is. Serious contemplation began as I suddenly felt myself slipping into what we refer to as romantic love. I was totally enchanted with the high of a relationship. At the same time as this euphoric bliss, I was crazy scared due to how vulnerable I felt. I was afraid that if he left, the love I felt would go away with him. This twisted combination of emotions left me feeling totally out of control. As I was desperately trying to get a grasp on it all, the relationship ended. I found myself on the flip side of love, dealing with the shock of heartache. How many of you know what I am talking about?
Many of us do as I did and misidentify love with the actual person. When they go so does the love…and we are left in a mess of emotions trying to find the next person to make us feel alive once again (that is if we have the courage to try again, many of us are too hurt over the first experience to give it another try and rather choose the safety of our loneliness).
Well here is a little secret to help save us from the woes of love lost. The truth is love never leaves us. It is impossible to leave. It is part of who we naturally are, a way of being. We just have to surrender into it. Love isn’t this mysterious force driving us without control. Rather is like a light-switch inside of us. We are the ones who choose to turn it on or off, but regardless of which way we put the switch it is always there like an unlimited source of energy. When we meet a certain special individual they only help us realize it is on within us.
The good feelings of being in love are not from the other person’s love, but rather our own love we are giving to them. We are feeling our own love! Does that make sense…when you are in love you are feeling what it feels like to give of YOUR love!
When you find yourself in that longing to find a lover this is only a revelation to you how you are separated from your own love source. You need to strengthen the connection to your own heart once again.
How else do we really think we can make a relationship work? Those of us who are unable to create love within us, and expect the other person to fulfill that for us will ALWAYS be let down and disappointed. Healthy relationships are made out of two whole individuals GIVING of their love. BOTH have to be giving. Seems like common sense, but I hear people over and over again saying he/she doesn’t love me how I want to be loved. They are concerned about how they are receiving the love rather than how they are giving it or if they are even giving it at all!
Find the magic in life that is all around you. Flowers, sunsets, and long walks are all equally as magical in and out of love, yet in love we find these things so much more beautiful. The real beauty comes from being able to enamor yourself. What do I mean? The real magic of love comes from being able to feel it regardless of who else is there to stimulate it within you. The secret is being able to create it within ourselves!
Love is who and what we are, it is a state of being we must seek after and develop. In order to feel love, one must love. In order to have a blessed life you must be a blessing. This means we give up the complaining of all the things we don’t have and create the lives we want, and as we do, appreciating the beauty of all that surrounds us! It means we make extraordinary out of the ordinary. It is an awesome journey and I invite you all to come along!
“Love is a state of being that does not rest upon external circumstances. Regardless of what is, or is not, happening around us, love is something that we generate from within ourselves.” -Katherine Woodward Thomas
A Glimpse into Humanity
I am at work the other day and Bob comes in to eat. Bob is an interesting man, we will be nice and call him eccentric, but most people would call him weird. He is not the most aesthetically pleasing and seems to have some different social habits. For example it is common to catch him starring in your direction leaving you wondering if he is some sort of creep. Every time he comes in Bob asks me if I know anything about an old waitress that used to work at the cafe. I tell him over and over she no longer works here and I don’t really know where she is. I wonder why he has always asked about her and now I finally know the reason…
Choice is Power
Here comes a cute boy who wants do get down to a little kissing. I can take the opportunity and mess around knowing our intentions are nothing more than to satisfy a little carnal lust or I can graciously decline and wait for something more meaningful and substantial. By choosing to say “no” to the less quality experience, I leave myself open for what I really want; a deep and lasting relationship built on more than just immediate gratification.
Freedom is an awesome responsibility! Agency or choice is our greatest power. The more freedom we obtain the more choices we have to make. In order to create the life we most want, we have to be willing to say “No” to everything else. All other temptation or opportunity that comes along that isn’t in alignment with what we say we want needs to be left by the way side. Once this decision is made we will probably be tested over and over again to see if we have really made the leap of growth.
It may appear that we remain empty handed as we wait for something better but rather than settle for repeating past mistakes let us learn what hasn’t worked and choose to believe our true heart’s desires are right around the corner. Let patience and faith strengthen your heart and build your character. Life is not so much about getting what we want when we want it, as it is about appreciating what we have when we have it. Enjoy the ride of the process my friends.
Are You Wiser Than My Dog?
“Rex… Rex, get in here, you are in trouble!” I yell in vain. I think to myself, “I want to kill this dog!”, as I walk into the other room to find Rex shamefully on his back in submission or attempting to hide under the couch. I grab him up and walk him into the other room where he has tipped over the trash can and ripped up the tissue paper. I show him why I am scolding him and tell him “No more”. Yet we still come home to find this every now and then. I was thinking about what causes him to do this and I notice a trend.
Rex only seems to do this when no one is home. And most often after a day or two of us being very busy and not spending “quality time” with him. It is as if he feels neglected and then thinks with his little dog brain, “I know what I can do to get them to notice and love me again!” The very thing he does drives us to be upset and getting in response the opposite of what he desires. Not only does he get a negative response from us, but he has also made himself sick and will vomit up paper balls.
Funny behavior wouldn’t you say? In his silly attempt to find love he drives us away and makes himself sick! Now we can all look at my dog and think it is silly. Yet I see people, real human people, acting just this silly! How do you react when you feel abandoned or neglected by those you love? Do you lash out in some passive aggressive manner, thinking “I will show them”? Then end up surprised when they further reject your undesirable behavior? Do your actions leave you lonelier? Or are you able to be okay on your own? Are you able to sit back in moments of solitude and reflect on the silence and allow what is to be, and simply appreciate your own company?
It is the fear of being alone that drives us to act out in irrational behavior. So when you feel like my dog Rex abandoned, lonely, unloved, neglected, unappreciated or whatever it may be. Take a moment and ask yourself, how YOU can give that attention and love to YOURSELF! Don’t go looking for the next person to give it to you. Find it within yourself and that void you are feeling will pass, and others will magically end up reflecting that love back to you. Everyone who meets Rex falls in love with him. We love him for who he is, he doesn’t need to do or be anything else to make us love him. We just naturally do, as it is with each one of us, naturally we are just loveable.
Embrace the Change
I am shuffling through my purse trying to find my phone. I seem to find everything else but the phone! Finally I turn my purse upside down letting all the contents fall onto the carpet. “Ah ha” I say as I grab at my old school (not so smart) flip phone. As I look back down at the mess I just made I think, “Great now I have to clean all this up.” I pick through the keepables and throw out old wrappers and receipts. I then proceed to put everything back into their own nooks and compartments. After a few minutes everything is cleaned up and my purse is much more organized containing only what s actually necessary to have in there. What wasn’t needed obviously got thrown out.
What is the point of my little example you may be wondering? Simple as this; in life before we gain something we first have to lose something. Before I could find my phone and get everything clean and organized in its place, I had to bring it all to the surface and in so doing created a big mess on the floor. I evaluated what was worth it and discarded the rest. It looked messy and like a mistake at first but afterwards it was exactly what was needed to solve my problem.
I know we may like to think that some things in life can come free or without a price. But this is just not true.
How many times do we watch the Hollywood love story take place and see them live happily ever after? Most movies end in this way. However, what is realistic is all the ups and downs of that relationship that we don’t see. All the work that goes into it to make it last, the constant forgiving, the constant re-choosing to love, the constant sacrifice and effort made to make the relationship work! It sounds exhausting but that is the price one must make in order to have a lasting relationship. And because of that battle the bond strengthens and the love deepens. The work is what creates the worth. This is true for everything, not just relationships.
It is part of human behavior to fear change, to fear the unknown. If we want to continue to improve and be the best version of ourselves this is exactly what we must do. CHANGE AND STEP INTO UNKNOWN TERRITORY. Our lives are always in motion and so we will always be challenged to give up the life we have for the life we are creating. When we decide to improve our life the first thing we will experience is a loss. Do not let this dismay you. It is part of the process and it happens for everyone. Many times you may feel your life is now worse. That is because you have made a decision to grow yourself into a more wiser and loving version of who you are. This means the old you had to die so the new you could be born!
One of the most important skills we can learn in this life is how to deal with loss and disappointment. Do you focus on all that you don’t have and stay down and depressed or can you shift your perspective and realize that the loss was necessary to allow something else to come into your life. The old saying is true when one door closes another one opens. Look back on your life and test what I am saying. Take every one of your losses and see what good has come of it, what new opportunities or learning did you gain from it?
I challenge you to take that leap of faith. Before you can fly you have to leave the ground you are standing on. It may be uncomfortable at first but with time and effort you will be so grateful for the decision you made. So take the risk, and follow your heart!
Are you too afraid to ask?
The other night I went out to sushi with a friend…a male friend. He is a good looking guy, with a good job, funny, smart, educated. But he is still single, which isn’t a problem unless you don’t want to be. He asked how he should go about asking a girl out that he was interested in. I told him just to do it, just go ask her out! And he looked at me like that was the last thing he could just go do! He said it’s not that simple. He was scared. He couldn’t just approach a girl and ask her out or tell her he was interested. He said he needed to go about it in a non threatening way so she doesn’t get freaked out by him. Which I think is a little funny. Because really what he is scared of isn’t freaking her out, he is scared she will say “no”.
Why is it so scary to hear “no”?
Most of us are afraid of this simple word. We make it have so much meaning. In fact we are so scared of it that we won’t even ask for what we want, we will stay in the wanting never knowing if we can have it. We will stay not satisfied with what we have stuck in our fear to do anything different! What a poop way to live life!
I will tell you why we are so afraid. We make the answer “no” mean something personal. When we make requests we often put our self-image, and self worth on the line along with whatever it is we are asking for. Whether it be a date, or a sale, a job, marriage ect. what we are really asking for is much more. What we are really asking is something like this, “Would you please do as I am requesting and APPROVE of me. Will you affirm my worth as a human being, and that I am worthy of your acceptance and love?!”
When we take the answer “no” so personal it is because we are seeking for approval outside of ourselves which is always the wrong place to find it! Acceptance, self worth, approval affirmation of you as a being, all comes from within, from inside yourself!
Happiness, wellbeing, wisdom all come from the innermost part of who you are they are not the fruit of something you do or achieve in your life, it just comes from within yourself. It is the essence of who you naturally are.
The truth is you can ask anyone for anything when you make it okay for them to say “no”. It is not longer scary when we don’t make it mean so much. If you think about it the answer “no” is a huge help. It helps me see that is not what is meant to be with me in my life and I look towards a new direction. It helps us narrow in on what really is meant to be for us.
So fellas go out there and find Hot Heather, Smart Sassy Sarah, or Delectable Davia! Whoever she is that floats your boat go ask her out! If she say “yes” then great you got yourself a date, and if she says “no” then you know she is not the girl for you and you can move on with your head held high that Mrs. Awesome Perfect Girl for you is right around the corner!
“No” is just a little two letter word, stop giving it so much more false meaning! It is never about you, even if the other person thinks it is. When we meet our own need of approval we will never have to fear rejection again! So get your booty out there and ask for what you want!!!
As a man thinketh…so he is.
I recently read a nice little book called “As a Man Thinketh” and well…it got me thinking! The gist of the book revolves around the idea that we are basically what we think about. That before we do or become anything in this life it was first born as a thought and then through more contemplation and action it became reality.
As simple of a concept as this is, it holds insane amount of truth. I have noticed many truths in this world are more simple than what we go searching for. But not only is it simple to understand it comes with great power. Now I am not going to get onto “The Secret” bandwagon, well because that one took off a few years ago, but mostly because it was a lot of hype and misunderstood.
The power I am talking about though affects your happiness. Living in your twenties is a difficult time with all the unknowns that are involved. Life can be so unsettled and really tomorrow everything could change depending on a sweet job offer, a nice young man comes into the picture, or who knows what. All I know is my life at the moment seems like a totally mystery for what my future holds. Now I wanted to bring this up because I have listened to some of my fellow “twenty somethings” out there and hear the concerns revolving around the unknown that lay ahead and how there is a desire for some comfort in stability.
Now at this point of unknowing we have two options, we can let fear take over our lives or have faith that everything in our hearts will come to fruition. It’s not easy though, fear is what you hear every day. Just turn on the news, listen to your friends, listen to your parents! I feel like so many people are living their lives in fear. Fear that there isn’t enough money, there aren’t enough good jobs, we are not qualified for the jobs we want, we are not smart enough, we may never get married or have kids. The truth is we just don’t know so why would we let fear into our hearts and focus on all the bad things that could be! Why do we listen or focus on that and then feel bad! It’s a bunch of crap!
On the contrary if we think optimistically and have hope and faith we will get what we want then life seems so much better! We feel happier, other people want to be around us more, not only are other people attracted to you but other things seem to come easier too. Things just seem to work out as they should. And if we hit a wall and things seem like we are stuck, we can still keep optimistic knowing that all we got to do is make a right turn. That we found something that isn’t what was meant to be so let it go and move on in another direction.
I don’t feel like life will all of a sudden be easy as pie, but I do think if we can watch our thoughts and choose not to focus on fearful negative thinking it can make life easier. But the biggest by product of it will be your level of happiness. And that’s what life is all about right? We are all searching for happiness… well maybe the search is over, and all we have to do is choose to be faithful and optimistic and see what happens! Ha maybe you just read all of this and thought it was a load of crapola, here is a perfect opportunity to choose to THINK something else and see how it makes you feel. Give it a try!
“…life does not consist mainly – or even largely- of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one’s head.” -Mark Twain
SEX! SEX!! SEX!!!
Oh sex you are always on my mind, always in my head, there as some ultimate goal, untouchable and yet so desirable! I can say at some points in my life this is how I felt about it. I have grown up in a strong religious community where sex was something done only within marriage, thus if one was single one can only dream of how good it will one day be! It always intrigued me how much my community and other religions viewed sex. If abused it was a sin and not just any sin, a most grievous sin, right below murder! Now that really surprised me and something I struggled with to understand. First of all it seems so natural. Everyone on the planet has a sexual urge (and most people are giving into it), that is the way we were made so that we would continue to procreate and populate the planet! So how could something that was innate within us be so bad? Within my specific religion, it isn’t so much that sex is bad, but just if it is done outside the bond of marriage was it considered bad. So what is the difference I began to wonder.
As many of you know I have recently graduated from the University of Santa Monica in spiritual psychology. The last week of school I finally mustered up the courage to ask my professors what their view on the matter was regarding sex and if there was some connection to spiritual progression. Here is what they shared, “Sex done outside of love is only as good as mutual masturbation, and sex within a strong deep loving relationship can be the union of two souls”. The difference is two totally different experiences. One would only feel pleasurable and be fleeting, and the other would be an intense sharing of love and how two separate souls become one. The key ingredient is LOVE. But both partners must be in the loving, it must be a selfless act from each person. My professors were not saying there was a connection between spiritual progression and sex. But religions strongly think there is. So here I was trying to consider both points of view and then by the grace of God, or chance (however you choose to view things) I had my own personal experience regarding the matter to help me understand the importance of sex.
I had been in a relationship with someone I loved, yet I wanted to wait for marriage. Just days after I had been contemplating what I had been taught at school and comparing it with what I had been taught since I was a child, I found out the man I loved had been unfaithful. The shock of this realization was like a punch to the stomach. I couldn’t understand how someone who said they loved me could at the same time go and have sex with someone else. I know men and women are wired differently and view sex in different ways, but that is no excuse we are all still in control of our appetites and passions. Regardless of invitations or desires or passions one still has control over their actions and needs to act in a responsible manner! What I learned from all this pain is how important sex is!
It is more than “mutual masterbation” if done outside of love, it can be devastating! If what I experienced is the by-product of (someone elses) sexual activity then I understand the huge importance of it. Because if done outside of love can cause immense pain to others. We have all heard of stories of broken families or destroyed marriages because someone was unfaithful. So I return back to my question of why would religions view it as such a grievous sin next to murder? Because if done irresponsibly can cause such crazy pain, the only pain I can imagine that would be worse is loosing a loved one. If you are thinking, “Yeah but sex and being unfaithful are two totally differnt things.” Here is the link…if one can learn to control one’s urges, and not engage in sexual activity before marriage then one knows they have the control to continue to do so after getting married! That is why it is so important. How many marriages end in divorce these days? To make a marriage last both must really work and be selfless within the relationship. Attraction to others doesn’t all of a sudden end when we get married and one must know how to be responsible with their attraction and their sexual desires in order to remain faithful within the marriage. Imagine the pain a child endures when the family is broken up over one or both parents infidelity. Why would we be so selfish and hurt our loved ones? No one really thinks that far ahead in the heat of the moment, but the truth is sex has huge consequences. It was meant for the union of two souls, to bring new life into this world, not just to be pleasured. I for one had my question answered of why it is so important to wait for marriage and I am so grateful for this understanding, for I never have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy, acquiring an STD or HIV, or all the emotional baggage that comes from irresponsible sex. I extend an invitation to all who read this to consider on my words and think about your own life and the sexual experiences you have had and the consequences that brought into your life. Consider raising your standards and showing the universe you deserve to be with someone of a like mind that will respect and love you even in the midst of any other invitation that life may bring.
Be who you say you are: There is no truth except in action!
I remember when my little brother Abe, and I were children, and some sort of mischief went down amongst the kids and no one knew who was to blame in the scenario. I always knew how to find out the truth. I would pull my little brother aside and ask him what happened. Every time I found out the truth of the matter because I knew my little brother didn’t understand the concept of lying. Even if it meant he got himself in trouble, he still told what was true. This was such a great quality of his basic nature.
Now I am not going to go tooting my own horn here and say I have never told a lie or cheated in some way in my life. I am sure I have been guilty of it a time or two but I am proud to say I value the quality of integrity and it is my intention to live my life with nothing to hide or be ashamed of. In fact I am pretty confident I can say we lie everyday! How many times do you tell yourself you are not going to eat that cookie then give in and eat the cookie!
There is a branch of philosophy called existentialism, and one of their points of theory is that “there is not truth except in action”. I really like this viewpoint. I feel it holds a lot of truth especially in the context of integrity. THERE IS NO TRUTH EXCEPT IN ACTION! Lets think about that for a moment.
What does integrity mean to you?
I feel like integrity is doing the right thing or what is good regardless of the immediate consequences or regardless of who you think may be watching. Integrity is more than honesty, it is not just saying the truth but it is a CONSISTENCY with yourself. It is consistency with your words, actions, thoughts and desires. Integrity is having a good heart! Doing good unto others and serving your fellow men. To have integrity one must let go of the self and consider others. So the idea of, “there is no truth except in action” means that it doesn’t matter what comes out of your mouth, it matters how you actually live your life! What are the choices you make and are they in alignment with what you say?!?
Integrity is a value I strive after in myself and one I look for in those I choose to associate with. It is a core value I feel necessary to make lasting relationships and to succeed at life. Sure we know all sorts of people who could be considered “successful” because they are rich or famous and the way they got there was through lies, cheating and manipulation. But I am talking about the success that equates true happiness. One can only arrive at happiness when one knows they are good. They live a life free of guilt, free of shame, able to go forth without any fear of what may be uncovered. It allows one to live life fully! Fully feeling all the love and joy life has to bring by trusting and loving others! If you know me personally and you don’t live your life with integrity, do me a little favor and stop knowing me personally! Hahah I am turning a new leaf in my life and choosing to spend time with people of a like mind! I have wasted too much time with people not willing to walk their talk or be who they say they are! Enough is enough, time to raise the game to a new level…are you courageous enough to join me?
“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze
It’s Complicated
Do you remember when facebook put the relationship status option “Its Complicated”? Well I do and we all thought it was pretty funny, in fact I don’t know anyone who puts that as their status for real, but the truth is that is exactly where most of us are. I remember seeing people changing their status from “In a relationship” to “Single” and then seeing a load of comments from the facebook world as people gave their condolences and or encouragement. The social networking world is a funny thing. I am not sure what it is about us, but if you think about it we are all a bunch of voyeuristic stalkers! Feeling defensive? Yet all of you reading my blog are guilty of it! Blogging is right there in the same category.
I swore to myself I would never put my relationship status public on facebook and I have even played practical jokes by creating fake relationships just to play with the fact that we are all up in eachother’s business. Then three weeks ago I forgot my little self made rule and wrote about my whole relationship. I was amazed at how many people read that post, my daily record up to that point was around 53 readers. But when I wrote about my break up I got 136, destroying my previous record!!! So what does that mean? Maybe people really do want to know about real issues, personal things that I am going through. Or maybe we are more interested in bad news. Like I have mentioned before in my blog I try to keep it optimistic and give hope to people. But it seems that is not what is the most interesting!
I don’t regret writing it because it was very real at the moment. But as all of you know who have been in relationships they are very complicated. If I have learned anything from reality TV (because it is real ya’ll), it’s that relationships are not so easy cut and dry, but a mix of emotions and attempts at rational decision making. The whole ebb and flow and riding the waves of break ups is all part of being in a relationship. All I have to say is good luck to us all, in our pursuit of love!
