One of my best friends passed away exactly two weeks ago today. I don’t know why I can’t write about it right after it happens, it seems I need a few weeks to process through it all and let it come to grips as my new reality…Accept that my friend is no longer in this realm that I exist in.
Up until three months ago I had not experienced the pain of death. Nobody I knew had passed away. In the last three months I have lost two grandmothers and now my best friend from college. It has been quite the eye opener.
I can’t take my life for granted nor can I take yours for granted either. There is no guarantee and I guess that’s part of what makes life so exciting. What gets me isn’t that they are gone (because I believe we are only separated for a time), it is more that I wonder if we were complete or if there was anything else I could have shared or been for that person or if they had something more to teach me.
The last couple weeks I think the thing that has impacted me the most was how much we are all intertwined in life. I am not an island, I am not alone. As much as I would like to solely blame myself or solely take credit myself for my life… I cannot. I have been influenced by so many people for the good and the bad. I go around doing the same thing for all those who come in contact with me. My friend Jenavieve was a very special friend to me, we shared a connection that was unique, I taught her and she taught me and we grew from one another. I know this is the case for all of us in all our relationships, or at least this opportunity is there to learn. But more so than any other individual has her life impacted mine.
The reason she is so unique is because I saw her life transform. When I first met her and who she was when she passed away were two different people, if that is possible. I think throughout our lives we go through stages and hopefully evolve and grow out of those stages that are not so positive or healthy. Most people take a lifetime well up into their 60’s, 70’s 80’s to achieve this (if they ever do at all). But my friend Vieve did it in her twenties…thus why her life was complete and she was ready to transition on to the next phase.
I learned so much from her because I got to witness a miracle of someone able to change their life and soften their heart, become humble and learn. Then take the love in her heart and go out and teach, touching the lives of others and bringing her light to many more to be touched so that they too could turn around and do the same. I will never forget my dear friend Jenavieve and her unconditional love, her un-judgmental attitude, her quest for knowledge and wisdom, the dedication she had for self improvement and her strength of heart and perseverance.
She has changed my life for the better and I have no excuse to stay stuck or small or anything other than the best! Because I saw her transform, so I know I can do, we all can, if that is what we desire! Please take this moment in your lives to consider what you truly want, knowing you have no guarantee for tomorrow, go out and get it, be it, make your life complete, clean up the things that need cleaning in your soul and be your best version. Not only will you no longer fear death but your example will radiate and you will touch the lives of many. This is why we are here, to teach and learn and grow with each other.
Exactly three weeks ago today my sweet Grandma LouDean passed away. I have wanted to write about this sooner but haven’t been able to get myself to do it. How do you capture all that you feel when you lose someone you love? So much emotion runs through me, and hits me like waves. Big pounding waves of grief, and you wonder just like real waves, maybe they will never stop, there will always be one more.
I have yet to experience someone close to me dying. I didn’t think it would feel quite like this…but how do you expect such emotions until you actually go through it? I have three other living grandparents…all of whom are in their nineties, which makes me dread this is just the first of many. There are many deaths to come. This may be the truest sentence I have ever written. Soon my other grandparents will make their passing…and I see my parents are not far behind with all their gray hairs and wrinkles. I do not want to sound depressed or morbid, I am being very honest. The part I still am learning to accept is that yes, I too will die. Everyone I know and everyone you know will die. If you think about it life really is all about death. It is the most natural and common occurrence of life and ONLY guarantee. Yet we all dread and fear it like it is the worst thing ever! Why?
Partly because it is unknown and we fear what we do not know and also because it hurts so bad, I miss my grandma, and I get sad thinking about how I will have to go through that experience over and over and over again with each person I love and then those that love me will have to feel the pain of my death.
There is only one choice and the sooner we make it the sooner we really began to live and make the most of every breath we still have. By choosing death, choosing to accept that I will die and accepting that everyone I know will die, and no longer living in denial of it opens up a whole new way of living. A way that accepts everyone as they are, appreciating every little facet of who they are, of enjoying every moment we actually share, of being present with every hug given and received, of making the most of every opportunity because this is it! THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND EACH DAY COULD BE YOUR LAST DO NOT LET IT GO BY! Have the intention to clear up your lose ends, to make complete your incompletions, to ask forgivness to those whom you have hurt and to forgive those whom have hurt you. Most importantly to love as deep as you ever have, knowing nothing is guaranteed except an unknown expiration date to your life. No more living with regrets, no more living for tomorrow… there simply is no time for that. Today is all we have. Today we live.
All I can say is don’t take anything for granted. Too many things have happened to people I love in the last month and as I have held a space for them to mourn and sent them love, the big lesson I see is to live life to the fullest. To make the most of every moment that we share, to push fear aside and take a chance on your dream, to let go of the petty stupid little things that don’t matter, and to take hold of the one you love and simply share the way you feel. There is no guarantee of tomorrow, not for you or me or the person you hold in your heart. Make the most of it now so you never look back with regrets.
The truth of the matter is we are all going to die. The more we prolong the denial that it will happen the more we deny living! The sooner we accept death and its surety, the sooner we began to live this life to the fullest. Wake up and live, live a full life knowing each day is a gift. I love this life, and I love helping others live to the fullest! Please know I am sending you love on this journey we share together. What we share is special… if you think about it, we here (Earth) at this moment are the few who are actually alive and soon we will join the billions of others that have come and gone before us. Our time is short but it can be so sweet, it is up to you and what you make of this time we have together!
I feel defeated. I’ve been fighting a war and in this battle I have been defeated. I am constantly surprised to see what human beings are capable of doing to one another. We are monsters dressed in human skin, going around and bombing each other, murdering, raping, enslaving, stealing, cheating and lying to one another. Sure we hear of these things in the news, in fact we have heard of it our whole lives. This is what almost every movie is based on and what every story book we read is about. All of history encompasses this sort of behavior. I am disgusted by my race, my human race. It is easy to place it far away from us, until you personally experience the ugliness of what we are capable of doing to one another. Then in this moment of misery, you wonder is life worth living when this is our world? When this is how we are and how we treat one another?
I live for love, I live for light, I live for good and what brings joy. I live to inspire. God knows I have compassion. I open my heart and believe in you, even when everyone else says not to. I have compassion and what happens? I seem to find myself on the burned side of things. Is this what compassion brings? Who was the most compassionate being to come to earth? Christ, and what did we do to him? We killed him. Is compassion a curse or a blessing?
What other choice do I have? What other options exist? Do I take my own life and leave this world even more saddened by my choice to kill myself? No. That is not an option that would only spread more pain. So the only other choice I have is to fight. To fight for good and hope I rally enough troops.
As long as I’m breathing this fight is worth fighting. Life is worth living even if I’m dying. I believe in the good. I believe we can be good. I still believe in you. I still believe! All it comes down to is choice. We all have it within us both the good and the bad and all we do is choose. Choose to be good. Choose it! End the pain, end the heartache, end the misery, end the lies. Spread joy, spread peace, spread love and truth. I still believe in us. I still believe.
You want to know what love is? It is accepting someone just as they are. Seeing the good in them and accepting the bad as well. Letting them tell you all of who they are and you just sit there and listen and then give a hug to let them know it is all okay. Love is unconditional. You don’t need to be any certain way or do anything in particular, I just love you because I do. Love transforms yet is still ever lasting. Love is letting someone walk away because you believe they will be happy and that is all you want for them. Love is just love pure and simple. Not complex it just is. It is pure, it is joy, and it is pain too. Love is comfort, it is security, it is being able to be authentic and let your guard down, to harbor no secret to let down any wall that may keep someone out.
Yet love has boundaries.
It has a code. I can love you and you can love me yet to hit the depth of the abysses that love can encompass agreements must be met so intimacy can be reached. If the agreements are breached and trust is lost, love still exists yet the intimacy suffers and security and comfort turns into fear and stress. For without trust you can have no intimacy. Love without intimacy isn’t a game big enough to play in.
But is love, by itself, enough to make a relationship work? Sometimes I wish love alone were enough, yet in the world I live in with all the preferences and desires of what “should be” in order to be “happy” love sadly, is not enough. Not for me. My concern is then how long will love by itself last when so many other aspects lack? Love alone is not enough, other preferences must be met, other qualities must be shown for commitment to take place and a relationship to flourish. So I walk away yet again. And wonder when, if ever, I will feel peace enough to stay and simply be (in love).
Many would say life is about meaningful relationships. I wouldn’t go so far to say it is the absolute meaning to life but it definitely adds or takes away to the overall quality of life. As far as I can tell relationships are also the best opportunities to work on your own self development.
Since relationships hold so much importance in our lives, the most effective skill you can develop is how you express yourself to another human being. To be more specific how do you express how you feel.
The purpose of expressing how you feel is to build relationships. The key to success, is to express yourself authentically.
When you are authentic this is when the magic happens for this is when people can most relate to you. When you are authentic you speak with power and the other person walks away inspired.
It is easy to measure your effectiveness by looking at your results. After you engage on conversation in your relationships do you leave them inspired? Do you feel closer to each other, can you relate to each other better?
The truth is nobody ever achieved anything extraordinary on their own. If you look back throughout history at every influential person you will always find others who were there. They were either collaborating in the ideas being formulated or as emotional support in their corner cheering them on. We would be foolish to think that we can go through this life and get the most out of it and leave the biggest impact without having meaningful relationships! If you want to experience love, closeness and be the best version of yourself then began to get authentic, get real and get vulnerable and watch your relationships flourish!
What is attraction between a man and a woman? First and for most it is physical, but that is only one part. There is also mental attraction, emotional attraction, and last but definitely not least the spiritual attraction. I want to share a bit about physical attraction and how we actually need to be cautious and run!
What the #@%$ am I talking about? So let’s say you look at a man and think, “Holy cow, he is so hot, his body is so cut, and look at that chiseled jaw… I just want him to ravage me!” For you fellas you are thinking “Dang look at this little mama, she is so pretty and so tight and those boobs and that booty and oh I just want to do her naughty!!!” (Sorry mom that is a little explicit) On some carnal instinctual level this is the truth about what is going on. This is the part of you that purely wants to pass on your DNA into the next generation. Now when you notice this is what’s happening (and you want a relationship) the first thing you need to do is run the other direction!!!
Totally against what you want to do I know. But there is clear reason why. When you are attracted (on a scale of 10) to someone physically around and 8,9, or 10 you are never going to be able to be yourself and comfortable around this person. As woman we are natural pleasers, it is ingrained in us since our cave woman ancestors. So we will bend ourselves into a pretzel trying to please this man we want so badly. Men on the other hand since cave man times are the hunters and the providers and when attracted to a 9 or 10 will spend money they don’t have in order to get the woman into bed with her! Both sexes will never be able to show who they truly are because they are overly concerned about “getting” the other person they never let their guard down and feel comfortable. They are consumed with the goal at hand.
Don’t take my word on this; just think about your own life and people you have been ridiculously attracted to physically. Could you be yourself around them, or was it always a little uncomfortable? Could you be goofy and get them to laugh or were you always putting on the “cool” front thinking that would win you the cookie? I know for myself those I was really attracted to, it never worked out.
Now who should you go after then? The ones you want to look for are the 6’s or 7’s. Look for people you find charming, witty, interesting, intriguing. These are the people you are attracted to yet not so much that you attempt miracles to be with them, and you most defiantly can be yourself around them.
You may still be disagreeing with this philosophy, but think about it next time you are attempting to get with a 10. Are you being yourself? Are you comfortable? Can you really maintain a relationship not being yourself for all time and eternity? NO!! So the next time you feel the 10 attraction smile and send him on his way. That is not your man, don’t waste your time, energy or heart. It will not work out! Instead give a chance to Mr. Charming interesting guy…. This is the guy you will marry!
Part of being human is to judge, we can look at someone and identify that he is hot, skinny, buff, nice, rude, loud, inconsiderate, selfish, funny, confident ect. It is not hard to see traits of people’s personalities and characteristics. But you know that special someone that can really just get under your skin? For some reason they can trigger you like no other! Lets talk about that unique relationship for a minute.
There is nothing wrong with noticing how someone is but when it disturbs your peace and you get upset now we have something to talk about! I am going to expose a little secret into how to deal with these people!
Each and every one of us acts as a mirror for each other. So when I look at someone and get upset because they are selfish, they are simply mirroring back to me my own selfishness. The reason it bothers me so much is because I haven’t been able to accept that part of myself, so when I see it in someone else it drives me crazy! Whenever you point the finger at someone else there are always three (of your own) fingers pointing back at you!
The purpose of life is to learn, grow, and progress and most especially learn to love; to love ourselves and others. The fastest way to learn and progress is through our relationships. For every relationship we engage in, we are seeing parts of ourselves in the other person that we can now work on in ourselves.
Each relationship is a gift of knowledge to see different aspects of ourselves we couldn’t see on our own. I am a mirror for you and you are a mirror for me. What you despise in me is what you despise about yourself.
The contrary is true as well. When there is someone you admire or put up on a pedestal you are simply seeing positive attributes of yourself that you have yet to develop as fully. If you can spot it in another it is also yours!
So with this all comes a great opportunity. First of all it can improve your relationships as you go forward because now you realize it isn’t about them at all but rather it is all about you! So when you get triggered you can take a step back and look at yourself and your life and identify how you are acting in a similar manner. Ask yourself these three questions to get clear:
1. How am I treating others like this?
2. How am I treating myself like this?
3. How am I treating God like this?
Once you see it, accept it and have compassion on that part of yourself. Then simply forgive yourself for giving into that judgment against the other person and yourself. Acknowledge you too can be the same way then accept it is part of being human and go forward more aware of who you are and how you would like to show up in the world.
This whole theory is called projection and it is a great tool to help us see the hidden parts of ourselves that hold us back in life from being who we want to be and accomplishing what we want to accomplish. The key to getting past it all once you see it is simply accept, love and have compassion. Giving love and compassion to yourself and to those you had judged. We are all one and the same, and what you see is what you get!
Intimacy. You hear people talk about it as a crucial part of a functioning relationship. Well I am going to go so far as say you don’t have a real relationship until you have intimacy. When I say “real” relationship I mean “authentic” or “sincere”. Sure there are all sorts of interactions out there between two different people but until you have intimacy you do not have a real relationship!
What is intimacy? Intimacy is a feeling of closeness. The level of deepness where lasting love resides. Sounds nice right? So how do we get to experience intimacy? To explain it clearly just take the word and break it down:
Intimacy = intomesee or into me see.
Intimacy is allowing another person to see into who you are. Complete transparency. You allow them to see the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, stupid, funny, ridiculous, fears, dreams, hopes, aspirations, all that is that makes up who you are. Now in order to get to that point it requires a recipe with a few crucial key ingredients.
First you add three cups of vulnerability to one cup of courage. Stir together until you allow yourself to drop those walls and let someone in. Then a table spoon of trust that you will survive once they pass by those walls. Sift through and eliminate all secrets. Next add three eggs of honesty to get it all to stick together and have the right consistency. Throw in the oven and bake for as long as it takes to have the perfect relationship pie! Then share that pie with the ones you love most and enjoy the sweetness!
You may be thinking, “Why do I need to have intimacy anyway? I like how deep our relationship is, I don’t know if I want it to be deeper.” That is fine, we are all at different levels of maturity when it comes to love, and many of us fear intimacy and that deepness of love that comes with it. With that said however, I offer you one consideration. At the back of your mind you are aware that this person with whom you are in relationship with is actually in love with only a version of who you are presenting. If you do not show all that you are, you will never really be “in love” because they do not know who you truly are, only the person to which you lead them to believe you are. You will always be living in fear, that if they discover what is really going, on or who you really are, they will leave you, thus creating a block in your relationship.
I invite you to take that leap of trust, and show all of who you are. Be open and let the cards fall where they may, this way you will attract someone who really is perfectly matched for you. Who will love and accept you for all that you are!
For the last two weeks I have listened to the countries leading experts on finding your “soul mate”. I learned from psychologists, coaches, spiritual advisers, authors and therapists on how to attract and manifest the love of your life.
The content was rich and I learned a lot about myself and my own patterns. I want to share some of this information with you. Although it is difficult to summarize two weeks of knowledge and information, I have attempted to do so, in order to help the masses also see where they may be struggling.
The obstacles to love exist in these 4 key areas:
- Your may have not let go of the past so you’re not really available for love in the present.
- You may have false limiting beliefs about yourself or about relationships that are unconsciously keeping love at bay.
- You may simply be out of sync with the opposite sex, the traits you’ve adopted in one area of your life to get ahead, could be ruining your chances for love.
- Or you just might not have learned the skills you need to play the dating game and win–dating is like a dance, and we all need to learn the steps.
So take a look at your own life and see if there are any improvements in any of these areas you are aware of you could work on. If you want help go ahead and comment and I’ll coach you through it. Also check out the Dating Tips page, I recently added to it! I send you blessings on your love quest and hope this may enlighten you!